I’ve been told that I am good with words. I disagree. Maybe once upon a time I was, but now… I’m not so sure.
Anyway,
I started a document filled with memories from my childhood. I only wrote about two occasions that I think changed something in my brain. And guess what? I feel guilty. I feel guilty writing about it. No one will ever read it, but just putting it on paper (or WORD lol) feels… wrong? I get this way in therapy too, I tell Eli about things that shaped who I am, and I obviously talk about my childhood, parents, siblings and other family members. But – It feels so wrong. I always have to follow up with “but they have their own trauma” or “but they are this way because…” or “But I love them” or sometimes I just laugh it off. Eli keeps telling me that I can love someone and still have a complicated relationship with them, or have bad memories about them. He says I need to talk about it and heal, and that does not mean I don’t love them. It’s hard though. Like, I do this thing where I put myself in their shoes, try and envision their trauma and think how I would react, then I end up in tears because who deserves that?
Anyway,
What I am trying to say is… it’s good to talk to someone you trust, in my case its my therapist – because he is bound by whatever law to not tell anyone about it haha. Talk to someone because keeping things inside is not healthy. I know it’s not easy, especially when your trauma is linked to the people you love most. It’s okay to sympathise with them, but you also need to think of yourself. The goal is to break the cycle. Okay – no one is perfect. I know I have not been the perfect big sister , daughter, wife, cousin or friend, but I am learning and growing with each day that goes by.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, its okay to talk about what you are going through.
Disclaimer – I am NOT saying that you should entertain an abusive (physically or emotionally) relationship. In this particular situation I am talking about relationships where you are bound by blood or whatever and you want to talk about your trauma, but you still love them – it’s okay to talk about your feelings and still love the person. I hope I am making sense.
Relationships are complicated, whether its with relatives, friends or even your neighbour. And nothing is perfect.
Anyway,
I need to follow my own advise and learn to talk about my feelings without HAVING to put myself in their shoes, and force myself to feel what they felt in order to understand their actions. I know for a fact I am not the only person feeling this way. It’s normal, we are human, and we tend to protect those we hold dearly, but we also need to think about ourselves, our mental health, and our future.
Anyway,
On a lighter note – I joined the gym! It’s hectic guys! Exercising is not easy lol. BUT – it’s worth it.
Anyway,
Until next time my lovely souls, remember you are loved.
xx