No, this is not a pity seeking post. I just need to vent.
Have you ever felt a fit of rage just come over you in a split second? Has the breathing of someone that you love suddenly annoy the sh*t out of you? Does it feel like someone is grinding your brain and the only way to make it feel better is to say the most hurtful things? Have you gone from feeling overwhelmed by anger, to a wave of happiness – the kind of happiness that feels unreal? To feeling like you are the most worthless piece of crap to ever exist? Have you gone from feeling invincible, like anything is possible, like the 50kg’s that you need to shed will just melt off because you have a new found strength to exercise? Have you gone from that to not being able to get up to relieve yourself? or make yourself a cup of coffee, or put socks on because you are freezing. Has taking a shower or the thought of having to brush your teeth feel like Mount Everest that you have to climb? Have you gone from laughing your literal ass off to crying like your life depends on it?
Have you ever felt so scared of something that you starting pulling your hair out, pinching yourself, hurting yourself, all to make it better? Has your mind ever tricked you into thinking that you can’t do a basic thing like swallow your food? Have you ever felt like if you don’t take 10 sips of water at a time that the world will end? Has your mind tricked you into thinking heaven is a bad place and that bringing life into this world will without a doubt kill you? Has your heart ever raced so fast that you feel like your body is going to give in? Have you been obsessed with safety to a point where if someone hasn’t let you know if they are safe, that they are most definitely dead, and you go searching for accidents, planning a funeral and dreading the rest of your life?
Has the thought of food consumed you? Has it been on your mind since you woke up to the very last second that you fell asleep? Has that last spoon of food in the pot been distracting you from reading a book, listening to a song? Has it ever felt like someone or something is forcing you to stuff your face, and if you don’t, something bad will happen?
Have you ever felt so misunderstood, to a point where you feel like you are going crazy? Have you questioned if life is real? Have you questioned if you are real? Have you ever thought that your life is a game to someone else and they are torturing you for fun? Have you stared into space feeling so numb, like nothing exists? Do you always think the worst? Do you play out scenarios in your head to the worst possible outcome? Have you held your breath because you think you made a mistake, and that mistake will end your life? and that mistake was you forgetting to add a question mark at the end of a sentence? Have you looked in the mirror everyday thinking you are so disgusting and how could anyone love you? Has breathing become a chore? Have you ever had to depend on a pill to get you through the day? Does therapy scare you and excite you at the same time? Do you get annoyed about having to speak about your trauma because people dismiss it like it’s nothing? Do you call yourself names, disgusting names just to get through the day? Have you felt like everyone is staring at you in disgust?
Have you felt all these things in one day or in the space of an hour?
No? Then please don’t comment on something you know nothing about. And if you have felt all these things and got past it, I AM PROUD OF YOU! WELL DONE! but I am not there yet. I still need guidance, I still need help, I still need a pill, I still need a doctor, I still need a lot.
You do not need to have an opinion on everything, and especially something you know nothing about. Stop being mean! Stop judging! You have no idea what the next person is going through. Take a moment before you comment on something. Take a moment before you judge. It costs nothing to be kind, to smile at the next person, to say have a good day, to be a good person. Honestly that’s like the bare minimum that you can do.
I am almost 100% sure that I am not the only person feeling this way – like no one understands, yet they want to have an opinion. Do yourself a favour and educate yourself, or better yet get a degree in the field, then let’s talk.
Sorry. I just needed to vent.
Actually, I’m not sorry.