Author: Kayla Jantjes

Over the past few days I’ve been on a high. I’ve been able to come on here and write about something without any effort at all. Today is not that easy.

It’s currently 21:37 pm. I had a bad day. I’ve neglected myself today – I haven’t taken a shower for the day. I’m struggling. I’m exhausted. I had too much of a high over the past few days and especially last night. If you suffer from mental health issues, such as bipolar disorder you would know exactly what I mean.

I had a bad day, I struggled to express how I felt to those around me. I wish I didn’t have bad days.

So I am currently listening to my mental health playlist that I made. One of my favourite songs is “My mind and me – Selena Gomez” and I think I’m starting to feel a bit better.

Having bad days is okay. Allow yourself to take it in, get through it and come out stronger. Write down how you feel, and take note of what makes you feel better. Whatever works for you, whatever makes you feel better, as long as it’s a fairly healthy way, then do it.

You can get through it, you are strong, you are beautiful, and most importantly you are loved. Always remember that! Tomorrow will be better

Until next time

xx

Have you ever looked in the mirror and didn’t admire what you saw? Have you ever been out and felt that everyone is staring? and not in a good way? Have you lost friends because your body has changed? Yes? I know the feeling!

Sometimes those close to us will tell us “You are beautiful” and we simply don’t believe it. Sometimes all it takes is a stranger or old friend to say it to you, for you to actually believe it. Today, I am going to be that stranger, or maybe to some… an old friend.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE SIMPLY GORGEOUS!

Let me share something with you. Most of my teen years I was fairly “skinny” I remember gaining some stress weight in matric but not enough to make much of a difference. Even though I’ve always been an introvert I felt good about myself. I had lots of friends, well if you can call them that. But then things changed… I reached my early twenties and gained some weight. I felt so insecure that I wouldn’t leave the house. Nothing fit me, I felt like people were always staring, and I felt ugly. It remained that way for years and I couldn’t make any new friends because I was isolating myself from the world. Fast forward a few years, I started Keto and got into the best shape of my life – yet I still wasn’t happy. I remember being out with family and going to the beach and I cried because I felt ugly in my bathing suite. I covered up and I don’t remember having much fun that day. If I look at those photo’s now I think to myself I actually looked good, maybe a bit too skinny for my liking now. A few months later I got married, went on honeymoon and came back 5kg heavier. That threw me off! I just let myself go from there, and now I’m in the same situation that I was a few years back. Not wanting to leave the house for anything and crying myself to sleep because my body doesn’t look the way I want it too. Oh! I forgot to mention… I have binge eating disorder, so when I’m stressed or feeling a bit emotional… food is my best friend, it’s like I can’t stop. I look at myself and feel disgusting! But an old friend reminded me that I am beautiful anyway. It look a long time for me to actually believe it, but once I did, I felt a bit better. Because, what I realised is, no matter my weight I am still me, I think I’m funny in a weird way, I care deeply for animals, I try and be the best wife and older sister, and for some reason my family really loves me! So why am I so hung up on the way I look? That’s unfortunately the world we live in, where looks are more important than who you are at your core. But let me tell you something, if you are a good person, good personality and you try to be the best version of yourself everyday, then my friend YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! forget about society norms! You are beautiful, say it with me! “I am beautiful” put a smile on that pretty face and the next time you look in the mirror, you tell yourself you love what you see, the next time you walk out that door, do so with confidence.

How you look does not define you, it’s what is inside that does!

Weight issues can really mess with your mental health well being, and if it does, talk to someone about it, don’t suffer in silence. The world needs your beauty! Don’t hide it

Until next time, remember, you are beautiful, you are worth it, and you are loved!

xx

Your new bestie

Over the years I have realised that having someone to talk to consistently and without judgement is so important. Luckily, I have a wonderful family who is always listening, but I came to a point where I realised, I needed more. That’s when I started seeing my psychologist, which was in February 2021. I have this immense trust in my psychologist and talking to him makes me feel so much better. I try not to call him outside of my scheduled visits, because that is just how I am, but on the occasions that I have, he has been so understanding and caring. He has been there for me in moments when I needed to cry, vent or just sit in silence. Bonus – he has a few animals at the practice that I get to say hello too, and then my serotonin levels are sky high again! LOL

Seeing a psychologist has helped me understand my disorders. I have bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, phobia disorder, and general anxiety disorder. When I was first diagnosed, I was in denial and felt like I didn’t understand anything, I was confused and overwhelmed. But seeing my psychologist on a regular basis has helped me tremendously. I am now starting to understand everything, I am learning to accept everything and I feel like I am on a better path. I have absolutely no shame in saying I look forward to my sessions with my psychologist!

If you are not able to see a psychologist, try calling the SADAG helpline or joining one of their online group sessions (I started there) or talk to a family member/teacher/friend. Anyone. Just don’t keep it bottled up. There is no shame in needing to talk to someone, having a moment to yourself or crying when need be. Never be ashamed of feeling a certain way and always know that you are not alone and that someone out there understands what you are going through.
Until next time, remember you are loved and you are worth it.

xx

I grew up with a ton of animals. I remember having many cats and dogs, a few birds, couple of fish and a rabbit. Oh, how I loved them all!

Now that I am older, I can appreciate them more than just playing with them. Take my cats for example… They are very much to themselves – but – when they want affection… they make it known! It’s the cutest thing. I’ve noticed that when it’s that time of the month for me, one of my cats loves to lay on my belly and purr, it makes me feel so loved.

A few months ago, a new member was added to the family, and that’s my little angel Nyx. She’s a one-year-old rottweiler now, and she’s my angel sent from above. When we first got her I was not in a good place at all (mentally that is) and my husband was supposed to take care of her daily needs, but he became so busy at work that it became my job. I am now very thankful for that. Having Nyx forced me to get up in the morning and give her fresh food and water, take her for daily walks and train her. It was really overwhelming most of the time, but it was worth it. Nyx ended up being my pillar of strength, and my ray of sunshine when I needed it most. One night a few months ago, I was questioning everything – life, my purpose on this earth and whether I should be here or not. At this moment Nyx came over to me, licked me and plopped herself on my lap. In that moment I felt needed and so so loved. I knew that I was meant to be on this Earth, even if it was just to be there for my dog.

The point of this post is… when you are feeling lonely and like everything is too much, take a second, take a deep breath and think about who needs you. Whether that thing is your plant, your furry friend, partner or family… hold onto that. Remember you are worth it; you are important and most importantly you are loved. Until next time

xx

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2021 – the year I married my best friend. To say the year was overwhelming, is an understatement. Since then I’ve seen three psychiatrists and two psychologists. I think I’m at a point where I am happy with my doctors – yet I don’t feel happy with myself. If you know me personally, you would look at my life and think “what is so difficult about her life?” but you don’t know about the time I lived in a shelter, or the times I witnessed my Daddy trying to commit suicide, or about the time that I attempted it myself. We all have our own issues and demons that we are battling on a daily basis. And what I am trying to say is… “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” and be kind always. Or at least try. I want you to know, wherever and whoever you are – you are NOT alone. You can get through it, and you are worth it. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or need someone to talk to, visit my contact page. Until next time, remember, you are loved!