Firstly, Hey guys! It’s been a hot minute! Wow so much has happened since I last posted. I hope you are all well and keeping warm in this cold weather 🙂
Secondly, DISCLAIMER/TRIGGER WARNING – This post contains details about a specific phobia and suicidal thoughts that I struggled with for a very long time, and if you are sensitive to things like that, please DO NOT read on.
Okay! So I am getting confirmed on the 28th July 🙂 why now you ask? Well there are many, many reasons and at this time I would just like to talk about one, and that’s the biggest and main reason it has taken me so long and that has kept me out of church for many years.
I remember being about 8/9 years old and this fear hit me straight up out of nowhere, like I have NO IDEA where it came from, but it hit me hard, and that’s the fear of eternity.
Lot’s of people fear death, but I feared what came after, spending ETERNITY in Heaven, with God. Weird right? Why would one fear that? Let me give you some more insight. The thought of something never coming to an end, just going on forever scared me so much. My mind could not comprehend something having no end. I was so young at the time, and there was so much going on in my life, with regards to my family (I won’t go into that right now)
Once the fear latched itself onto/into (IDK) my brain, it was stuck. Whenever I had to go to Church after that… I tuned out. When I heard the word “Eternity” (and you hear it a lot at Church) my mind would go straight into panic mode. I would cry, pull my hair, hold my breath, pray (weird) I would count to 10 and at some point the only way to get through the moment was to tell myself that God, the Church, everything… was a lie and then when I died, I will cease to exist. And this would help – Until I was alone in my thoughts, and then I would spiral and think of something going on and on and on, you get where I am going with this. It got so bad that I would do anything to not be alone.
I would make sure I was the first to fall asleep, always have music playing, stay with someone, anyone, and just stay present. Obviously this could not work out in the long run so… sometimes I would take tablets to fall asleep, and I became addicted to codeine without knowing it. Suicide crossed my mind daily, more than once a day. I just needed my mind to be quiet. One day everything came crashing down and I took a handful of pills and called my psychologist and told him, if he could not help me, right that second, that I will take everything that I had and just end it. Luckily he squeezed me in to see him and I had to be rushed to hospital because I almost had a stroke. Now this is all very personal and I wasn’t even planning on sharing that part. But anyway… it’s all part of the story. I promise I’m getting there.
Anyway that stunt scared me, and I swore I would never attempt something like that again. I told myself to be strong and to just not think of it. I told myself God isn’t real. I told myself anything to get through the day. I know this might be silly to some, but the amount of panic attacks that I had because of this fear – it’s crazy.
Moving on to about when I started this blog, so January/February I started seeing a new psychologist, you all know her “Daisy” (not her real name) and the reason I started seeing her is because I wanted to hurt myself, I remember trying to explain what was going on in my head one night – to my husband, and it just got so bad, I ended up crying and telling him all I wanted was to die. All I had on my mind was death and how I could get away with it without killing myself. Now I will not be sharing those details as… well… I don’t think I should, I just don’t.
Anyway, things got so bad that I would sit and cry for hours and nothing would help. I would stare at nothing for hours and my doctors said I was border lining entering psychosis. This is where Daisy steps in. My first session with Daisy I listed all the things I needed help with, obviously the fear of eternity being number one. After talking for a few minutes she says she can definitely help with everything, especially the big one, she brushed it off like it was nothing. I was like what?? someone can help me? all my doctors knew about this fear, but no one came out and said that it’s no issue and that we can sort it out. It was from this moment on that I had hope.
Fast forward about 6-8 weeks (we saw each other weekly) and FINALLY the big topic was brought up, and we start talking about it, and we get into the finer details of some things and she asks me question after question and I don’t know how but we cleared everything up. She had studied and read the bible many times and she explained to me that once we die and enter heaven, that there is no sickness, nothing bad, just happiness (I don’t know why, but I had thought that my Bipolar brain would be going with me and that my eternity would mean me stuck within my mind) anyway we also got into the why I am scared of something that never ends, it stems from some unresolved childhood trauma. And by the end of the meeting, I closed my laptop and started crying. My husband asked what’s wrong and I said I’m happy, I’m not scared anymore. For about 2 hours I cried and stopped and cried and had this sense of peace over me that I simply cannot put into words, and in that moment I realized that the peace that I felt was so warm and calm and if that is a taste of what Eternity will be like – then I am not afraid anymore.
That very day I called the Reverend at Kuilsriver Moravian Church and asked about joining their confirmation group. (At the time I thought it would be a year program because confirmation usually takes place on Palm Sunday, and that had already passed) anyway turns out that there were 2 other older people that also wanted to be confirmed and that it would take place in July, along with the younger group.
So I’ve been attending classes, attending Church and isn’t it crazy? How this all worked out? Everything happened for me to get to this point where I am right now – getting confirmed in 2 weeks, by a Reverend who I admire in so many ways, that accepts things in a way I always believed things should be accepted. Everything fits! I had to go through everything, I had to see many therapists before I found the right one, the one that lead me to being where I am right now, and right in time to get confirmed. Is it just me or does that sound like fate?
Even in the time where I told myself God wasn’t real – I still prayed, I prayed for him to take my fear away, and yes it’s taken many years but it’s made me who I am, everything that has lead to this moment has made me who I am. God was there all along, I just had to be patient.
Now some of you might not understand this post and some of you might look at me in a different way. Some of you might think this is the dumbest thing you have ever read, someone being afraid of Eternity?? and that’s okay. I am not here to judge you and I accept that not everyone sees things the same way.
My message to you today is – You never know why someone is the way they are, you don’t know that the person right next to you might be smiling, but inside is batting something that they feel they will never overcome. Be kind always, accept one another for who they are, I mean who are we to judge? A simple smile, or “how are you – and mean it” can go a very long way.
So yes, I am 28 and I am getting confirmed! I know and understand what I am about to do and I embrace it and look forward to it so much. I am excited about the next chapter of my life, because the way I see it, this is just the beginning.
Shout out to Daisy, Reverend, family members and my dear Husband (who has been by my side through EVERYTHING) I love you all!
Until next time my lovely souls, remember that you are loved!
xx